There are days where the negative thoughts seem more powerful than usual, and all of my plans and ambitions feel pointless. I have failed so many times before, so it’s only logical to assume that I will continue to fail. I know the things that I want to do, and I’ve planned them out and tried more times than I can remember, but it’s like there’s this mental block that stops me. Even when I’m aware of it, that awareness isn’t always enough.
I begin to ask myself, “What’s the point?” or “Is it worth it?”. The answers are obvious, but it’s like there are two versions of me that are always engaged in battle. I think about my goals and dreams constantly, but that’s precisely the problem. The scales of balance between action and thought tend to weigh more heavily on the thought side.
I try with a desperate urgency to be more action-oriented, as this is the true answer, but it’s hard to stay strong. One of my favorite quotes is “Motivation and passion will follow if you have the balls to go without them.” The battles we wage in our minds are brutal and bloody. The reason I’m writing about this is because there is another side to reaching success that is important to talk about. And it also just helps me.
Most days are actually a struggle. Even when I do the things that further my goals, I still sometimes feel like there isn’t a point. This is so unbelievably untrue and it’s utterly ridiculous, but that’s part of depression. It uses your own mind against you so it seems real. But eventually, the cloud lifts and then I remember, “Oh yeah, that’s the point of it all. Keep your form, Matt. Onward.” Even when I don’t feel the truth, the truth still stands.
This post has taken me about 30 minutes to write, and it’s not even that long. But actually writing it in a state where I felt like there was no point, and finishing it, is a victory. I am just now realizing that not that long ago, I wouldn’t have tried. I would have sat on my couch, staring at the wall while going to war with myself until literally hours have passed. You can’t talk yourself out of depression. Trust me. I’ve tried for years. I have wasted years of my life to this. But this is a victory for me, and hopefully there are many more to come.
This blog isn’t about my success. It’s about my failures and how I overcome them. It’s about what I’m currently trying to overcome, sharing the how and the why. I mix some success in, too, because it’s important to celebrate the things we do right. This is about the journey to the life I want, and making the transition to consistent right action. If you can get behind any of what I’m saying, then stick around. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks for reading.